Fifty-fifty Marriages Enjoy One Hundred Percent Misery

If I were to use familiar passages on marriage, many of you would understand but may wonder how those verses relate to roles concerning chores around the house. The passage Marlon and I consider when we sum up our marriage relationship around chores in the home is found in Matthew 7:12: “In everything, do to others what you would have them to do to you, for this sums up the Law and Prophets.” 

When we first married, we considered everything from those who had gone before us and set things in place to make for a great marriage. We began our first year differently than many couples because I was active-duty military, and Marlon was at home with our firstborn. When I was home, we shared the chores. We did not assign anything. Each of us saw things that needed to be done and did them.  Chores were not our Achilles heel until I became an At-Home Mom.

When I decided to stay home with the kids during the pregnancy of our third daughter, we renegotiated how life would run at home.  Initially, we adopted the traditional gender roles that run many homes.  We thought the fifty-fifty game would be a “fair” way to run the house. 

Where the concerns came in:

Who separated the fifty-fifty?

Who kept the tally?

Was there any responsibility for the one who completed their part towards the one still working on their portion?

These questions reveal the need for scorekeeping.  Who referees this game? Let’s say this kind of marriage brings tensions from the start.  It foments one hundred percent misery.  When a tally board is built in a couple's hearts, scorekeeping is inevitable. 

Once I was situated as an at-home Mom, Marlon took on more work so that we could compensate for the missing income that I no longer brought in.  One evening after dinner, in the typical “gender-role” scenario, I cleaned the kids up and got them ready for bed.  Marlon did the usual “gender-role” thing and sat down to watch some television.  Well, I thought that was what he’d do, but when I came out to clean the kitchen, he was finishing up what I thought would be left for me.  I said, “Thank you, but I’ve got it. You’ve been working all day!”  He looked at me with the most tenderness and compassion in his eyes and tone, “You have to.  I will get this finished; then we can sit down together.”  This changed everything.  The passage in Matthew 7:12 formulated the respect that developed between us, and the chore list disappeared.  The fifty-fifty that exhausted one person over the other and caused misery in our marriage died. 

Instead of waiting for him to come home to get some things done, I decided to get those things done so that he would have more time with the kids when he arrived at the house. When he came home, he looked for what jobs needed to be accomplished so I could sit down with him after the kids were done for the day. We lived to bless each other.  He did not dismiss my workload as less than his, and I did not see what he did as greater than mine.  We saw what each other did as valuable as the other, allowing us to “do (for each other) what you would have them to do to you…”  Our lives went from deciding between what I was responsible for (fifty-fifty) to how we could ensure we sat down together and enjoyed each other’s company at the end of the day (two becoming one).  

Sometimes, I went out to mow if Marlon got called out to work.  Sometimes, he cleaned the house on Saturday so I could get out of the house for a break from my surroundings.  Sometimes, he cleaned the kitchen while I put the kids to bed.  Then, sometimes, I put the trash out while he read a book to the children.  In other words, we did not wait to see if the other person would get something done.  We also tried to beat each other to get things done. Our goal was to bless the other. God's grace filled us with a passion for denying ourselves. This way of living allowed us opportunities to “do (for each other) what you would have them to do to you…” 

No household will ever run the same.  We get married and attempt to do what we’ve seen others do.  We try to practice gender role jobs.  We assign chores to each other.  For some, this may work without misery, but for many, this creates tallies and frustration when one or the other doesn’t get the job done to which they were assigned.  If the one who wasn’t assigned that job must get it done, it is usually done with resentment. Y'all know I'm telling the truth.

What I am not doing is telling you how your home should run. I am attempting to encourage that the best way to run your home is with Jesus in view, seeing your spouse and serving them as unto the Lord. No one wins when each has a goal to win.  No one wins when there is a tally sheet written in our hearts.  No one wins when we keep the score on who is doing more.

After 37 years with my amazing husband and all our counseling with married, younger, and older couples, we have never seen happiness in the fifty-fifty assignments within matrimony.  While I’ve never been one to say, this way or that way will work for others.  I know what does not work well.  The conclusion I can offer is no matter what you and your spouse choose, the guarantee to keep misery out of your home in this area of chores is when scorecards are torn up, and we “do (for each other) what you would have them to do to you…”  If you want to sit down and put your feet up, ensure your spouse can do the same.  Even if your fifty percent is done, you are not finished until the person you love the most can rest, too.  That last sentence is for those who still believe fifty-fifty can work. That is excellent marriage advice! 

If this “do (for each other) what you would have them to do to you…” has not been your practice, perhaps you can start with an apology and then have a conversation. Then, agree to this: We will “do (for each other) what you would have (him or her) do (for) you…”  Fifty-fifty dies there. Misery moves out, and healing and rest enter your relationship.